The panic attacks have changed recently. They went from an intense "oh God, oh God, I'm gonna throw up" type of panic to a confused daze, somewhere between standing up too fast and not sleeping enough feelings, mixed with a heavy dose of I just ate way too many jelly beans nausea, but one hundred times worse.
I'm starting to worry I will lose everything. My sense of humor. My interest in day to day activities. Will I ever ride a roller coaster again? Go camping? Sleep a night through?
I want so badly to put this whole mess on pause. Just enjoy a week of life without it. It's starting to really hurt my girlfriend. Last night I kept bothering her, and she was obviously annoyed. She kept telling me to just stop thinking about it, but in the middle of a panic attack, you can't really just stop thinking about the panic. It's PANIC. I read up on emetophobia, and discovered a lot about it, and a lot of people who also have it. Sounds way too familiar, the whole losing sleep, praying to God, telling Him you will make life changes if you just stop feeling insane, etc.
Not it's 2:15 in the morning and I have work tomorrow. I was going to get up at 7, go to The Coffee Bean and get some coffee, sit around and enjoy the morning for what it is before heading to work, but that's less than five hours of sleep now.
Steph doesn't understand why I write this blog. It just makes me feel a little better to know I wrote down how I feel. I don't have to worry about making the internet pity me, or look down on me for being such a pussy. I don't have to lie to it so that it doesn't start feeling nauseous itself. It's the internet. However, maybe someday, someone will stumble over this blog, and be truly interested in the psychological instability I am dealing with. Maybe one day I'll be cured, and I can start writing this blog like I wanted to in the beginning, a diary of my day to day life, so that I didn't forget the little things.
And that's what I like about this blog. It automatically time stamps my entries with the date, and I can say whatever I want to say. I guess I should write about something else every once in a while. Here goes.
I've come to appreciate cigarettes more. What a great stress relief, I dread having to stop smoking, but that's probably just my chemical addiction talking. Last night when I was freaking out, dylan walked out of his room. I sprang up from bed, much to Steph's dismay, and asked him to smoke with me. He had apparently just had one, but he accompanied me anyway. Good man, good man. It calmed me down a lot, and when I went inside afterwords, I was able to finally pass out. Probably at about three in the morning.
I downloaded "A Clockwork Orange" on audio book tonight to give me something to listen to so that maybe I won't panic as much. I also basically beat all the missions in Red Dead Redemption for the Xbox 360. Hell yeah. I want to get 100% game completion. Just to be a total badass.
I'm not feeling too lousy, I may try to go to sleep soon.
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