A late night dramatic moment

I'm sitting alone in the bed I just got into. The clock reads 3:12AM. I'm worried that I'll have a panic attack about throwing up almost as much as I'm worried about throwing up. I go to bed super late now just to reduce the chance of me waking up during the night. When I'm alone, I don't have the strength to have a panic attack. No one to talk to, no one to be with, to comfort me. I feel like such a faggot for needing these things, but during a panic attack, everything feels foreign. It feels like you've never been there before, and it's the scariest feeling. It's nice - necessary - to have at least one thing you know with assurance will be there, that's important. The upside of it being a human is that you can interact with it. The downside, of course, is that all humans feel somewhat foreign to each other. This is due to the fact that you can never entirely know someone. You can never know what they are thinking, how they will react, how they feel in its entirety.

I miss her when she's gone. I don't want to become dependent on her as well, I have enough things I need in my room at any given time, but I know she likes the feeling. I know she appreciates the comfort of knowing I have to have her. I don't blame her, and I'm not trying to cast a negative light on that, either. She just likes the assurance. Wouldn't anyone?

I'm insane, I think sometimes. No one I know is like this. No one I have ever known has fallen to this level of insanity. I used to think Emily's OCD was weird. Look at me. I don't sleep until 4 AM, I can't eat meat unless it's cooked well, and I can't ride in anyone's car, EVER. And public transportation? Forget it. I either drive myself, or it's not happening.

AM: After Midnight? PM: Pre-midnight? Huh.

I need normality. I crave a daily life that isn't filled with worry, anxiety. I don't wan to have to think about this all the time. I want the freedom to think whatever I want, without it relating to my emetophobia.

-

Kyle, Andy, Dylan, Alanna, and Mike Williams all played poker tonight. Kyle won big time. About time, though. That kid usually looses, even though he knows well how to play. It's good to see him with a fat stack of chips in front on the table.

We listened to the full forty minutes of glory that is "Sean's Crazy Dirty Dream 2." If I can't remember what that is whenever I read this again, ask Dylan. We turned out all the lights in the house, and put it on over the stereo. I had a minor panic attack there, so I went into my room, turned on the light, and used the bathroom. I came back out and listened to the rest of it. It was awesome, once I got used to the darkness of the room.

Kyle's sleeping on the couch tonight. Good thing he came over in pajamas. That kid has the most awesome pajamas you will ever see. Smiley faces, bills, you name it. J.D. Rockafeller.

I want to sleep, but I'm worried. I'm also super tired and I have to get up at either 7 or 8. I'm going to try to sleep now.

I'm going to sleep.